So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
