watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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