Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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