i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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