you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
