omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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