70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize