Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize