You just made me feel so damn special
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
