she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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