Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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