he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
