I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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