I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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