she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
