see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Randomize