I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
