I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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