..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
