mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
