I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
