My room smells like vodka and shame
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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