didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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