In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
