I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
