I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
