Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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