Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
