Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dicks are not precious.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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