He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
