actually, I'm a sock model
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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