Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
