dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We talked him into tasing himself.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
