i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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