I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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