ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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