I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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