I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We are all done wearing pants today
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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