I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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