She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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