Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
