I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize