My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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