i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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