The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I will be naked everywhere
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
