fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
