come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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