walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
