Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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