There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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