You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize