I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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