I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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