Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
