we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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