well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
