The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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