New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
