hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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