We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
