It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
high people should be assigned attendants
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
